Well, I never thought I would write about this subject again. Because, after we grieved and came to the other side of that loss we closed that chapter. But here I am 5 months past and I still ache inside when I let myself go there. It still stings. And honestly... I don't really have a purpose for writing this other than sometimes having our emotions all written out can be healing. If this is encouraging or helps someone understand this subject a little better that's all I could ask for.

In that hurt and darkness I am so thankful I had my husband to go through it with, as a team. I've learned more about myself and more about my friendships having gone through tragedy. I started to look around at who's shown up and who's missing. "You find out who your friends are..." I've learned how precious my marriage is. I've learned how precious life is. 

As I have said before, it isn't a polite thing to talk about. But talking about it helps me. Writing this even is therapeutic. It is the most isolating thing in the world, grief. The thoughts of not being woman enough and my body not being good enough. ALL LIES! All this to say shutting it out and going quiet adds more isolation... no thanks to that! 

If you have experienced miscarriage... or any loss for that matter... it's the most heart breaking thing to walk through. It's something I never want to relate to someone by. Because we will never be naive to pregnancy... we know the worst thing that can happen and we have felt that pain both physical and emotional. I believe I will be pregnant again, one day, and I look forward to and fear it all at once. 

Everyone grieves differently, some name their lost baby and others never even speak of it... each being totally personal and 100% acceptable. James and I never got to know what the gender of that child was and unfortunately never even heard it's heart beat. I was only 7 weeks. Our appointment that was intended to be that first visit was unfortunately an all together different appointment. I often hurt inside wondering who is taking care of the baby in heaven as did another friend who is walking this journey of miscarriage. She spoke on how precious it is know our lost babies are in fact with our heavenly father and in His care. HE is watching them! 

I look forward to meeting that sweet soul one day and I am thankful that they knew nothing but love. 


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  • Jovan

    I think of you and pray for you often as I suffered a miscarriage at 20 weeks almost 3 years ago. We have a mutual friend, Brenda Sharman, so that is how I found your page a few years back. I now have a beautiful, healthy 13 month old son, but I still think of my son, Jacob Thomas, each day. My advice is to allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you have at any moment but also try to live in the joy of the present. Harder said than done, but know you are being lifted up in prayer.

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